So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
