Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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