he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
