Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
