Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
