I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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