I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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