I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
