I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
someone owes me an orgasm
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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