Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
