His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
