just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
