She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
