so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
