On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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