when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?