She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
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Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler