Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
