I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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