Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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