The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
