College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
