I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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