ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
