If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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