My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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