On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
