are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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