So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
