I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize