I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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