she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
