Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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