sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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