I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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