why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
