he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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