What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
