I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
