so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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