ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
