and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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