The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
