You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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