I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
