he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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