I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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