How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
