Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
