Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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