i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
