I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
