Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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