I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
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During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.