theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
