There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
