between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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