so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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