he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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