Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
