Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
