dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
